Grow Up Mr./Ms. Bully

We learn at an early age about the power of bullying from our time spent on the playground. It’s seen as a game, as the stronger kids tease and belittle the weaker and less popular classmates. At such a young age they don’t understand the longterm effects this verbal and physical abuse will have.

The problem we are seeing in the office is as these child bullies move into the workforce they are creating a culture that intensifies stress symptoms such as high blood pressure, migraines and anxiety. David Shrank, Founder and CEO of Empowerment Behavioral Services, states that “Those bullied as a child can be especially sensitive to comments as they become working adults, and can become bullies themselves.” The assumption that adults always have adult behavior is a common misconception, and childhood issues can affect the level of maturity an adult has.

Who is the bully in your office?

If you are lucky enough to not have an office bully, congratulations!

For the rest of us, there is probably at least one co-worker, manager or partner who uses their power to dominate, antagonize and intimidate you and the rest of the team.

If you can’t think of who the bully is – consider it might be you. And consider that you probably aren’t a “full-time” bully, but how about a “part-time” or occasional mean girl or guy? Take time to remember your conversations with your team/members and how you spoke to them.

Characteristics of a bully at work:

  • Takes all the credit for successes
  • Critical
  • Disrespectful
  • Self-interested
  • Withholds information, uses information as power
  • Often gives out verbal and written warnings without justification
  • Creates fear and uncertainty among team members
  • Passive-aggressive behavior

How to talk to the bully in your office

1.) Confront them in privacy

When you confront the bully in your office, be prepared for a tough conversation. You don’t want the bully to feel ganged up on and take the defense, yet you also don’t want to come off as weak and say “You hurt my feelings”. This is bullying fuel for them. Work to understand why they have targeted you. The manager who is giving you such grief might not even realize they are doing it. In a lot of cases these intimidators were either victims of bullies in school, at home, or were one themselves. This might be the only way they know to communicate and get things done around the office.

2.) Don’t add in your own opinions

Tell them the indisputable facts of what the behavior is, how it is affecting your work, and what you won’t tolerate in the future. Say it and be done. Let the bully take time to mull over your feedback. It’s often said that a bully confronted toe-to-toe comes back and thanks the person for their bravery because so few stand up to them If they decide to not listen it might be time to involve more people. Remember to continually ask yourself: “Is this the kind of workplace culture we want to have?”

3.) Keep calm

Control your emotions during your conversation and avoid letting the bully see that their words are getting to you. Slow your speaking down and take breaths in between thoughts. If your anger and frustration rise so will the bully’s and your words won’t be heard. (Note: These steps are also helpful for bullies in our personal lives.)

4.) Ask for help

You’ve tried to talk to the bully, maybe multiple times and nothing seems to be improving the situation. I encourage you to discuss the actions with your boss or HR and agree on action steps to end the problem

Most likely you aren’t the only one in the office feeling victim to a bully. Don’t make excuses and permit them to continue pushing people around the office. Have the tough conversation today and stand up for yourself and your co-workers. It’s time!

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